Have you ever experienced yourself being a jerk and yet at the same time felt helpless to do anything about it? Sometimes, I am just pluggin along through my day and I think I'm doing just fine, having a great day, but then it hit me. Did I really just say that? Oh wait, they could have thought I meant it this way, oops! Why did that conversation end so awkwardly?
I know we are all selfish individuals. Some of us are just better at hiding it than others. But whenever I get a glimpse of that in me it is really disturbing. Not because I am not used to myself being a jerk or inconsiderate, but because of how it comes about. Usually, my incredible wife will point out to me where I have, in the near past been such an idiot. At these points I try to hear her and repent of my lowly ways. This is not disturbing because I can easily distance myself from past behavior. (as long as it is more then 5 minutes in the past)
But in those rare occasions where I actually catch myself in the midst of a jerkified incident, its like watching an episode of The Wonder Years. You know, when you can so strongly identify with the lead character and you really want to root for him but the you see him get so awkward that you begin to squirm in your seat as you watch. That is what I am talking about. I don't like it. I wish I wasn't an idiot sometimes. I will probably be thinking a lot today about how to not do that again...
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